There is some recent research from Canada that might shed some insight into why men do have feelings about abortion losses.
When people think about the role of men in abortion, it seems that they usually think about the stereotype of the man who forces the abortion or the male who abandons. However, there are many roles the man may have played in the experience.
This website contains information that will be helpful to those who have been involved in abortion experiences and to those who care for them. This web site is an outgrowth of a conference entitled “Reclaiming Fatherhood: A Multifaceted Examination of Men Dealing With Abortion”, held in San Francisco November 28-29, 2007. The conference was organized by the National Office of Post-Abortion Reconciliation and Healing and was co-sponsored by the Knights of Columbus and the Archdiocese of San Francisco. This conference is the first to ever explore the issue of men dealing with abortion.
If you are the father of an aborted baby, I am sorry for your loss. I realize that the society as a whole has told you that you have no right to grieve or struggle with the abortion decision. However, I know from hearing the stories of many fathers,that some men hurt a great deal after the abortion. They pinpoint that event as a turning point that marked the beginning of the end of the relationship with their partner. Other men are confused by their feelings and they may not come to the surface until many years later. Some of those men, however, identify that risk-taking or chemical/alcohol use or abuse may have coincided with the abortion experience. Whatever your story, we care about you.
There is a myth in society that says men don’t care. People seem to believe that men are only involved in abortion decisions as forcers or abandoners. The belief is that men are untouched by the experience and that men are simply sperm donors who then walk away. While in some cases, that might be true, my experience of having listened to men’s stories over the years is that the scenarios are much more complicated. The law and the societal expectation that abortion should only be a woman’s issue and decision, has perhaps kept some men from speaking what is in their heart.
Men are hidden partners in every abortion decision. More than 40 million abortions have occurred in the U.S. alone since abortion was legalized here. Worldwide the estimates are that at least that many abortions occur in a year. The man’s role or lack of role in the decision can create a stream of consequences that may accompany the man through the rest of his life. Because men are told they have no say in the abortion decision--that it is about a woman and her choice--they later struggle with the questions they pose to themselves and the emotions they feel. Men often say "I don't feel entitled to my grief. It was her choice. Why do I feel so badly?" This site is for you. It’s a safe space to examine information and resources. It is honestly, only a beginning. As more men begin to recognize the issue and as more caregivers see more men, we will refine a process of healing and be able to provide more resources. Thanks for your patience. Confucius said “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” This is that single step! There is much to learn and much to be done, but at least we have begun. I invite you to share your thoughts or suggestions or questions by emailing them to email@example.com. Your input is very important.
This link will take you to “Happy Birthday”, done by Piper of Flipsyde. Flipsyde is a rap/R and B/rock band from Oakland, California. This is his reflection on an abortion experience in his life.
If you are interested in obtaining the book “Men and Abortion: A Path to Healing” by C.T. Coyle, please email firstname.lastname@example.org and request it. We need a mailing address. The suggested donation which will cover the book and the cost of mailing is $16.00. We will provide it to anyone who asks, regardless of your ability to make a donation.
We also have a booklet that is available for you called “Healing for Your Soul” A Guide for Post-Abortion Fathers” by Rev. Martin Pable which lays out in a simple fashion some of the issues involved in beginning the healing process. Please email email@example.com and ask for it by name. There is no charge for the material. We will send a donation envelope if you would like to make a donation, but it is not required.